H-Cubed

5 Months To Go

2012-02-09T22:19:00.003-06:00

Only a little over 5 months left. We are anxiously counting down the time when my internship contract will be up and we will be on our way back home! In the meantime, things are pretty quiet down here in Austin. We have been trying to enjoy the warmer Winter (I admit, we will miss being able to wear shorts and go to the park in February) and take advantage of all the unique things here in Austin while we can, now that our time here is coming to an end. We'd like to make a trip down to San Antonio and take Harlow to Sea World since we are so close. Harlow and Jay are going to be going up to Kansas City in about a month to visit the Hastings family and give Jay a chance to go to Columbia to search for job opportunities. And, before long, May will come and we will be back in Columbia for my graduation and see some of our wonderful best friends again.

I decided I'd like to try something new with our blog. One of my very good friends, who is in her third trimester of pregnancy, also has a blog and I really liked how she organized her thoughts in some of her posts. For example, "new purchases," "aversions," "cravings," "surprises." I asked her if I could steal her outline, but of course, instead of focusing on pregnancy, I want it to focus on the things that are new for Harlow. I think that by doing some of these "quick" thoughts/feeling entries more often, I may feel less guilty about failing to write long narratives every week.

So, here are some things that are new for this past month of January:

Things Harlow Has Recently Said:

Harlow to Mommy when she pretends to eat Harlow's feet:

"We eat food Mommy, not feet!"

Mommy to Harlow: "Are you lying?" Harlow: "I not lying, I Harlow."

Harlow (when going potty on the potty chair): "Give me some privacy! I need privacy!"

Harlow (when jumping on her mini-trampoline): "I exercising!"

Harlow, when asked to pick up her toys/work: "That's your job, Mommy!"

Harlow, when told to get in her "peace spot": "No, you get in your peace spot!"

Harlow, after receiving a plate of waffles in the morning from Mommy for breakfast: "When I get bigger, I can make waffles for you."

Harlow, in the grocery story with Daddy: "Daddy, you have a penis. And I have a 'gina (vagina). Mommy has a 'gina and Bubbe has a 'gina, and...(after listing more of the women and girls in her life). Everybody has BUTTS!"

Harlow, after looking at a picture at Grandma and Grandpa Thompson's house of Mommy and Daddy's wedding: "There's Nettie, and Mommy, and Daddy, and YeYe. Where's Harlow?"

Favorite Books: Everybody Poops, anything by Dr. Suess

Favorite Movies/Shows: Olivia, Blues Clues, Fraggle Rock, Toy Story 3, Labyrinth (yes, this may be a poor parenting choice here, I know, but she loves it)


This January we finally got rid of all of the pacifiers!!!! Jay had a great idea for Harlow to send all of her pacis to "the babies in the world" in exchange for some Yo Gabba Gabba bath toys. The day after she "sent" the pacis, she asked to have one once or twice, but after that, it's like she completely forgot about them. We did notice that the amount of tantrums and wake ups at night increased a bit, but this is understandable since pacis were a main way that she soothed herself in the past.

Eating chocolate ice cream at Amy's, an Austin favorite.

Enjoying the awesome hat from Marlen and Jose!!!

Waiting for the Winter rain to pass so we can go out to play superheroes!

Sand Castles and Shorts in February....

Harlow has become a master at riding her tricycle!! We mainly keep her confined in the huge church parking lot next door, but can't wait to be back in the quiet streets of Columbia, MO.

Last but not least, Harlow actually "posed" for this picture after she got into some trouble. Daddy left her alone in her room for a few minutes, She found a pen and proceeded to mark on her play piano, her ottoman, her changing table, a stuffed animal, her feet, and her face.

Rules for Parents of Daughters...

2012-01-12T19:16:00.002-06:00

I can't take credit for this one, but I saw it on another blog and had to share it with all of you. Here is the website:

http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2012/01/rules-for-parents-of-daughters.html?spref=fb

Rules for Parents of Daughters

I realized when I wrote my sons' piece earlier this week I titled it Rules for Mothers of Sons. I was so wrong to just single out mothers. These rules are for allparents. Sorry, dads, you don't get a pass. Kids need as much guidance as they can get!

Tonight I went out with the girls and I told them I was going to write this post so they helped me come up with some good ones! Thanks, girls!

So here we go: PIWTPITT 25 Rules for Parents of Daughters (because as I was making this list it seemed to me that I can screw up my daughter easier than my son so I needed more rules):

1. Teach your daughter to never allow herself to be anyone's property and that you will disown her if she ever wears shorts that claim otherwise.

I would kick "Mike's Bitch" in her ass if she walked in my door.

2. Teach your daughter to talk about her feelings - not eat them or purge them. Or if she doesn't want to talk, teach her to express her feelings through writing, art, music, sports, etc. Anything but food.

3. Teach your daughter to work with what she's got and love what she's got. Tall, short, fat, thin, your daughter is beautiful - inside and out. Make sure you tell her all the time and make sure she believes it.

4. Teach your daughter to like and respect herself and demand respect from those around her. She might end up lonely at times, but at least she won't be a doormat.

5. Teach your daughter that "fish lips" photos are never appropriate and never attractive.

6. Teach your daughter to value herself enough to defend herself - physically and verbally. Let your daughter watch "The Burning Bed." She'll never forget it and she'll always know she has "options" if she finds herself in an abusive relationship.

7. Teach your daughter to go easy on the plastic surgery.

Aging gracefully can't be worse than this hot mess.

8. Teach your daughter to be strong and confident in her abilities and not be afraid of failure. Teach her that sometimes she will fail, but she can't let that fear stop her from trying something.

9. Teach your daughter that has the right to get loud. Make sure she knows girls can get angry, they can have opinions and they can throw "lady like" behavior out the window if necessary.

10. Teach your daughter to never text/email/snail mail naked photos of herself to anyone. Ever. Ever. Ever.

11. Teach your daughter what a douche canoe is so she can avoid them.

12. Teach your daughter to never steal her best friend's boyfriend. That's just a real skank move. What is it that our mothers always told us? "Boys come and go, but girlfriends are forever." Still true.

13. Teach your daughter that having her underwear and half her ass hanging out the back of her jeans is not attracting anyone substantial nor does it make her look smart - even in the library.

14. Never let your daughter wear clothing with sexually inappropriate "cutesy" sayings.

"Hooters Girl in Training" is not adorable, it's so fucked up - and you know this little girl did not even pick this shirt.

15. Teach your daughter that smart girls get further in life than slutty girls.

16. Teach your daughter to walk away from the teen magazines. There is so much pressure put on young girls these days to look pretty or hot it's nauseating.

859 Ways to Get Pretty for Summer and Look Hot in a Bikini?? Really? How about 859 Tips to Ace the SATs! or 100 Books We Love! or 252 Ways to Succeed in Life Without Using Your Boobs! ??

17. Don't let your 9 year old dancer look like a 25 yearPussycat Doll.

18. Teach your daughter that bigger boobs isn't necessarily a good thing.

19. Don't let your daughter marry young. Encourage her to get out and see the world, live on her own and figure out who she is and what she wants in a partner before she settles down.

20. Teach your daughter that there's nothing wrong with staying home on a Friday night and reading a good book, but try to get her to read more than just Chick Lit. Give her The Gift of Fear. This book really empowers women to spot danger signals. Unfortunately in the world we live in, this is an important gift to have.

21. Teach your daughter to beat the boys at their own games.

22. Teach your daughter to be able to laugh at herself and have a sense of humor. There are so many women I meet that say they have a sense of humor, but they really don't.

23. Teach your daughter that the "Queen Bees" and "Wanna Bees" and "mean girls" are a waste of time and she should just invest in one or two great friends.

24. Don't allow her to pierce or tattoo her body until she's on her own.

25. Teach your daughter that her choices in life are limitless. She really can do anything - except maybe use the Men's Restroom.

I know there are more, so let's hear them!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-31T23:09:00.000-06:00

This year for Christmas, we decided to stay put in Texas, so Bubbe and Zaydee Hastings took a road trip down to visit us in Austin. I had worked a lot of overtime in December because of being on the intern selection committee (to choose UT interns in fall of 2012) and the time it took to review internship applications. I was able to "rack up" a lot of compensatory time so that I could use to take off the entire week of December 19th and then the week after that UT gave all employees off as a "gift." In all, I had 17 days off (including weekends) which was pretty nice. I have to say that encourages me to want stay in the academic area in my counseling work. I would never be able to afford to take that much time off in private practice, monetarily or ethically.

We opened up gifts with Bubbe and Zaydee for an early Christmas and "dress-up" was the theme for Harlow. She is hitting the age where she is doing a lot of pretend play with her babies, figurines, and dress up clothes handed down from mommy (purses, shoes, hats). Bubbe created a "special suitcase" that held all the dress-up items Harlow would need to be a Queen (note, not a princess). Harlow had a beautiful dress, sash, wig, crown, jewels, and shoes to "rule" her little world.

Harlow also liked to put on a pirate eyepatch with her outfit which added a rough edge as you can see below. She is really into pirates lately and I have no idea where that comes from.

Having fun with all her "friends" and Zaydee...

Dancing with the X-Box...

Time to open gifts again...

Now I'm a doctor!!

She loves to check ears...

More dress up...Chef! Harlow loves cooking us fake meals of sushi, hot tea, cookies, and lots of other creative concoctions.

Now she is a Superhero!!! She really loved the blue wig (I kinda liked it too!)...

Random smiles...

For Christmas Eve and Christmas, we traveled back up north to Dallas to see my side of the family, as well as Jay's Dad's side of the family. Lots of delicious food (pretty sure I gained about 5 pounds within 3 days)...

Once again, Harlow finds a way to make food and tea for everyone...

I love this picture with Harlow and Ye-Ye (Grandpa Thompson)

Great Aunt Kathie (Michelle's aunt) gave Harlow the perfect gift...a tea set of her very own!

Christmas Day...we went and visited Harlow's cousins. She loves hanging out with the big girls, Kate, McKenna, and Karis.

Harlow discovers that Santa ate all of the cookies and milk that she left for him the night before!

Christmas Dinner

Finally opening gifts!

Puzzle from Santa!

Yo Gabba Gabba gear from Nettie and Ye-Ye!

Probably some of her favorite gifts!

Lots of Firsts!

2011-12-31T21:15:00.000-06:00

In early December, we took Harlow to see her first movie at the movie theater, "The Muppets." We first sat down in the theater and she said, "It's a big TV!" Harlow sat and watched most of the movie, but near the end she got a little restless and wanted to run around the main front aisle, which was fine because other kids were out there too. I think she really enjoyed it.

That same weekend, we went out to get our first real Christmas tree! Our fake one is holed up somewhere in the storage facility so we thought that was a good excuse to start a new tradition. I have to admit, the real tree was much more beautiful than our faux one. We didn't have any space in our little 2-bedroom apartment for the tree, so we put it out on our balcony and decorated the railings with lights. Harlow had fun decorating the tree with mommy the morning after it arrived. The weather has been a little rainy during Christmas, but the weather for New Year's has been in the 70s so it's perfect for our little Christmas tree outside.

On Sunday, that same weekend, we went to see "Yo Gabba Gabba, Live!" which is based off of one of her favorite children's television shows: www.yogabbagabba.com

It was like she was at her first rock concert! Harlow kept going crazy, dancing during all of the music, and couldn't get over how the television characters were "real." Needless to say, she had her fill of stimulation for that weekend!

Thanksgiving in Dallas

2011-12-31T20:00:00.000-06:00

Texas is far from a lot of our family, but we decided to limit our traveling this year for the holidays. Grandma and Grandpa Thompson live in Dallas, along with my Aunt, Uncle and a few cousins, so we decided to make the drive north for Thanksgiving. Harlow wasn't a fan of the turkey and potatoes but she loved all of the desserts (well, most of them)!

The coconut cream pie was her least favorite...she takes after he mama on this one. I've never been a fan of coconut either!

Ice cream makes it all better...

Off to see Santa in Southlake...

Harlow wasn't quite as scared this year to visit Santa as she was back in 2009. I think he asked her if she wanted a Barbie--Santa doesn't know our household very well!

This is still my favorite Santa pic:

Picture with Grandma and Grandpa Thompson near the Southlake fountains...

Thanks for Family

2011-11-22T23:34:00.003-06:00

Jay's mom's side of the family came all the way down from Iowa to visit Sarah, Kate, and Stella over the Thanksgiving holiday. Harlow had some great quality time with the kids and it was great to be around lots of family again, something we really miss down here.

Intro to football with Uncle Denny...

Pizza...

Several trips to the park...

Swinging...

Hosting and painting with the cousins...

Visiting the capital of Texas...

Running and enjoying the echos in the rotunda...

Resting...

With Aunt Jayne...

Zilker Park with Stella...

Rain

2011-11-16T20:47:00.003-06:00

Puddle jumping...

"Oh shit! That's a baby!"

2011-11-16T18:39:00.007-06:00

Advice For Soon to be Dads, or...
“Oh Shit! That’s a BABY!”

One of the blogs I’ve been meaning to write for a while is a summation of my first few years as a father. What’s worked, what hasn’t, and what I’ve learned along the way. The more I thought about it, the more things I began to add to this list. Needless to say, it would be a really long blog! So maybe this will be a series of blogs. But where do I begin? I guess, appropriately, at the beginning.

When I learned that Jose and Marlen were pregnant I was so excited for them. I think one of the worst parts about this year away on internship is that we have not been around to experience their journey first hand. I really hope we can find a time to visit them in Columbia before the baby comes. There’s just this innocence and naïveté that first-time pregnant couples have. It is so sweet how they talk about all the things they are going to do differently; weighing the pro’s and con’s of what this book says versus another book by another doctor. Exhibit A is Michelle and I’s own blog during our pregnancy! We approached every little decision with such gravitas and intellectualism. Then, all of a sudden, we were left alone in our house with a brand-spanking newborn! My first thought:

“Oh Shit! That’s a BABY!”

Of course, I knew that the outcome of all the pregnancy was that there would eventually be a baby. But that first moment, alone and unsupervised, was one of the most frightening moments in my life. No matter how much I prepared, I was not prepared for this moment. Sure, I came to the birthing classes and doctor’s appointments. While I was there, I made sure to ask questions that showed off how much I was learning and how engaged I was with becoming a parent. In a way I was trying to convince others that I was ready and excited and competent to be a parent. But in that first moment when I was alone with a red-faced, screaming infant whose diaper was filled with a strange black tar-like substance – I knew I was a fraud. I was not competent to be responsible for this little being. Over that first year, I learned a lot about being a parent. Some things I wish I’d thought about before the birth while others I could not have possibly known before the experience.

It will take Michelle thousands of hours AFTER she finishes her PhD before she can become a licensed psychologist, but there is no licensing requirement for being a parent! It’s probably a good thing too, because who would psychologists treat if parents weren’t going around screwing up their kids? This leads us to the first point –

1. You will screw-up your kid.

Accept it, embrace it, and move on. Trying too hard not to screw up your kid is probably the most sure-fire way to screw up your kid! If you try to keep them safe from every little bump and bruise then what you are creating is a very fearful and fragile person. One of the most helpful things to learn as a new parent is how to distinguish between the real threats to your child and the eternal fear that grips your heart every time you look at their beaming little face. SO MANY bad things could happen! Go down that road and you will go crazy. Making a list of all of the possible bad things that can happen to your child will not make your child safer. It will only make you crazy. And you’ll be crazy enough as it is with lack of sleep so it’s good to dial back the crazy where you can.

Instead of making a list of worse case scenarios, I tried to focus on learning the most likely outcomes. I was surprised to learn how much more likely your child is to die of a heart attack, stroke or flu than they are to be abducted by a stranger. Imagine if Nancy Grace did a special hour for every child that dies of the flu in the United States – Parents would be so freaked out they would have their kids wearing surgical masks and rubber gloves all the time. But it's hard not be frightened at times. You look down at this pure and innocent little being, and you know that at some point in their life they will be hurt and alone. They will know heartbreak, loneliness, and loss. And you are the one who has to prepare them to grow through these experiences.

Now you might think that you will be different. You might think that you will keep your rational self and not fall sway to the sensationalized fear of dangers around every corner. But there is another problem – When you become a parent, you become more dumb.

2. You will get more dumb.

However smart you were before children, subtract at least 10% and plan on living the rest of your life that way. Hell, on certain days I would say you should subtract 50%! If you are wondering what it will feel like to live with a sleep-addled mind, take a hammer and hit yourself in the head about three times. That is pretty much the best you can hope for. But don’t worry, the stupidizing of parents is a survival mechanism. I, for one, was a little to smart for scatological humor before becoming a parent. Now I think poop can be one of the funniest things in the world. This is a good thing because the amount of poop in my life has grown exponentially since I became a parent. So if I had not become a little more dumb, my life would not have as much laughter and joy as it does.

And while we are on the subject of poop, I have a bit of advice for soon to be dads – learn to change a diaper. There are good feminist arguments for this, but I will skip to the clincher. Nothing will get you more credit and appreciation from the women in your life than the ability to quickly and efficiently change a poopy diaper! I think some men try it once, feel incompetent to do it properly, and then fall back into traditional gender roles. While there is an occasionally gag-worthy diaper, it’s really not that gross. And the better you get at it, the less you have to pay attention to what your doing. Your mind can float away to that happy place while your hands take care of the dirty work. It is all worth it when you find yourself in a room full of moms and grandmas and say to your partner “No it’s okay babe, I’ll get it.” The women will nod admiringly and say nice things about you when you leave the room. The men, on the other hand will give you a glare that says, “Ahh, fuck you, man!” Because they know that if you keep this up, expectations will change for them. But seriously, what kind of man is incapable of taking care of such a basic need for their child!

As we reach the end of part one, no closing would be complete without exploring the physical demands of being a father.

3. Future dad work-out plan.

Stop what you are doing and look at your hands. You may have noticed by now that you probably use one of those hands a lot more than the other. For most of us this is the right hand but out of respect for the lefties I will try to use the phrase “dominant hand.” Now turn your attention to your non-dominant hand and say hello. This is your primary hand for the first few months of being a parent. If you do not know how to unzip your fly, unlock a door, or button your shirt with your non-dominant hand then now is the time to learn. This is because, at least at first, you will be using your dominant hand to hold the baby. I would recommend tying your dominant hand behind your back for a few days to help get a feel for it.

Eventually you realize that the baby is not as fragile as you thought and that evolution has hard-wired you not to drop the baby. It is with a sense of relief that you switch the child over to your non-dominant arm. However, within a day or two you will start to realize that your new baby-carrying arm is nowhere near as strong as your dominant arm was. Even with all of the recent use, that non-dom arm is no match for that tiny little baby. You may have the best guns that weights can build, but this is not so much about strength as it is about stamina. The good news is that no matter how fat you get from neglecting yourself, your arms are going to look great. This is also why I recommend carrying your baby as much as possible. The little suckers have a tendency to grow and the best way to keep up the “dad arm” is with daily use. You may think you will not have to carry your 25 pound child around all the time, but sometimes it’s just easier, even with the diaper bag and groceries.

NOTE: Speaking of diaper bags, don’t USE THEM! One of the best things my sister taught me was to use a diaper backpack. Any good backpack will do but make sure it has a variety of pockets. It will never look as cool as a designer diaper bag but the value of being truly hands free is priceless. With your baby in a front carrier and a diaper bag on your back, you will feel as prepared as possible for the coming apocalypse.

While spending all this time strength training it is important not to forget to hone your reflexes. You will be amazed how quickly your child begins reaching for things, knocking them off tables, dropping them from chairs, and eventually getting them into their mouth. You should be prepared to catch anything at anytime. Ask your partner to help you by randomly throwing things at you from strange angles. Repeat until you are able to catch them all. These ninja-like skills will serve you well as a parent. For the things you fail to catch, I would recommend that you try picking them up with your toes. Michelle can do this like a monkey. I’m working on mine, but I still have a ways to go before I will achieve Michelle’s yoga-toes!

While doing all these exercises you might also give some thought to your shoulder flexibility. These muscles are very complex and require many months to stretch out into the ever-necessary “Car arm.” Many of our dads used the car-arm to place a smack on the offender while passing a semi in the rain. I find my car arm to be most effective when picking things up from the floor that a screaming Harlow just dropped. This may sound unsafe at first, but a screaming child can shut down your brain. And if they keep screaming you may just start to look longingly at the cliff on your left. So if you can maintain a firm grip on the wheel, keep your eyes on the road and reach back to retrieve a 3-inch Brobie character figurine at the same time it will make your life much easier.

I think that’s a good place to start. Some might suggest denying yourself more than 3 hours sleep at a time so that you can prepare yourself for the change in consciousness that an infant brings into your life. I say – sleep while you can, as much as you can, whenever you can. You will never look back and say, “Man, I wish I had slept less before the baby came.”

Why Don't You Have Time???

2011-11-14T22:35:00.002-06:00

You can click on the article to make it larger for reading, but you can also find the original article on the Washington Post’s website here.

Halloween and Fall Fun

2011-11-12T00:14:00.004-06:00

As some of you may have seen, we recently changed the title and layout of our blog. With Harlow at 2.5 years old, "Baby Hastings" just didn't seem to fit anymore, especially if our family changes in the near future (*wink, wink, nod*). So, we are toying with new titles, and have yet to really settle on anything. If you have any suggestions, please share them with us!

Halloween in Austin was a lot of fun! Jay's cousin, Sarah, recently moved to the Austin area with her daughter and her partner. They live in Cedar Park which is a suburb just north of Austin proper. We decided to go out there for trick-or treating this year since we didn't want to go door-to-door in the apartment complex. It was the first Halloween where I wasn't a bit chilly or cold. In fact, it was quite warm. It didn't feel quite right...

Harlow had a wonderful time and went as Foofah from the children's television show, "Yo Gabba Gabba." We are actually going to be taking her to a live "Yo Gabba Gabba" show while the gang is here on tour. That will be in a few weeks and I can't wait to see her face light up as they come on stage.

Harlow had a small pumpkin to collect her candy in and even though it was weighing her down, she wouldn't trust anyone to hold it for her.

At one point, she tripped and some candy spilled out of her pumpkin and she quickly gathered up all of the pieces like a little drug addict trying to get their next fix. It happened again and she said, "we gotta get the candy! we gotta get the candy!"

Another development that has happened over the last month is Harlow's transition into the big girl bed. Unfortunately, this has also signified the end of naps. Those of you who started reading this blog when Harlow was first born, you know that she has always struggled with taking naps. Now that she can actually get out of bed, she has chosen to read books and play with toys rather than sleep. As you can see, this is what happens during "quiet time"....

October 31st was Harlow's last day at her Montessori School. Jay is now the stay at home parent. It's been two weeks and it has taken the two of them a while to get used to the transition, and we have both noticed some behavioral and mood changes, which is to be expected. Harlow has been in some kind of daycare since she was about 4 months old so this is all very new for her. Luckily, we have already been in contact with the awesome staff at the Columbia Montessori School (CMS) and there is a place waiting for Harlow upon our return; they miss her too!

For the most part, Jay and Harlow are having a fun time together and I truly commend Jay for having the patience to stay at home. They have found a lot of ways to stay busy, such as...

Doing artwork!

The great thing about living in Austin is you can do paint work on the balcony in November! It serves as a whole additional play room! (can you see the moving boxes behind her? A sure sign we still feel "unsettled")

A few weekends ago, we took Harlow to the library to get her very first library card. She has a wonderful time picking out books and it is now a weekly field trip. "Everyone Poops" is now one of her favorite books, which is appropriate since we are still working on the potty training, specifically the pooping. I think it's the vulnerability part of pooping that is hard for her. She knows when she has to poop and will even go into the bathroom, but she still wants to poop in the diaper instead of the toilet. Whenever we go into the bathroom to check on her she yells, "Give me some privacy!"

First library card...

A bag full of books...

Privacy pods for reading...

Having fun days at the park...I will say the weather this time of year in Austin is quite lovely! The parks here are amazing and we usually try to visit them a few times a week.

A gift for mommy...she loves collecting rocks and sticks. Mommy used to collect rocks too when she was a little girl.

Talking with Bubbe and Zaidey over Skype...

Watching the movie "Where The Wild Things Are," while reading "Where the Wild Things Are."

In this next picture, Harlow and Jay went out for breakfast; she LOVED her French Toast! They had just dropped me off at the hospital for outpatient surgery. The stress of labor when I had Harlow resulted an umbilical hernia. I went to the OBGYN in October to talk about future family plans and the doctor suggested that I have the hernia repaired before getting pregnant again because it could become even more painful and uncomfortable. And I should obviously avoid having surgery when pregnant.

The surgeon told me that typically people take about a week to recover from the surgery. I thought that I could handle "the pain" and would be back at work within 2 days. That didn't happen. The staff at the UT Counseling Center was SO supportive and understanding about my recovery and my co-workers made every effort to make sure I took care of myself. I had to take the rest of the week off and actually stayed in bed for nearly 4 days. Amazing how much you realize you need your core when you can't use it!

I have been trying to be more compassionate with myself and learn to know my limits, especially when it comes to my physical health. I now know that the building won't burn down if I am not there and my clients are resilient enough to get through the day if I have to reschedule. In fact, I realize that being my "best-self" is what my clients deserve. If I can't be my "best-self" for them than it's better to see them when I can be my "best-self."

Harlow was wonderful about being gentle around mommy and her "boo-boo." I still can't lift her up or do weights, but about 6 weeks post-op I should be able to be back doing crunches. I am very happy with the results--now I have an "innie" belly button. Something I never even had before baby!

Harlow loves to help around the house...washing dishes, cooking, sorting laundry, sweeping the porch

And here are some random fun pictures I thought you would enjoy...

Yes, paci cessation is next on the list, now that we have the big bed transition over with...she still clings to it when she is tired and needs to sooth herself to sleep.

The longer I wait, the longer I wait

2011-10-18T15:40:00.003-05:00

As a few of you may know, Michelle recently gave me an ultimatum – Blog, or she will shut this site down. The evil side of me is tempted not to blog, just to test her boundaries a little bit. At the same time, I have to ask myself why it has been so long since I wrote a blog. There are tons of little reasons, each valid in their own way but I think the truth is that I don’t want to write a blog because I have waited too long to write a blog. In other words, the longer I wait to write, the harder it becomes to write.

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else but sometimes I feel like if I wait too long, then there is too much pressure so I just disengage and postpone more. Which, in turn, creates more pressure and then more postponement. I notice that this is also something I do with phone-calls to some of my best friends. Yes, Brandon, Bly, Andy and Kaiser – I know it has been a long time since we talked on the phone, especially considering how regularly we used to talk. Now I feel like the only way I can call is if I have a really good reason for why I haven’t called – but I don’t. So, once again, I postpone and disengage.

I am by nature a procrastinator. To me deadlines are not some looming threat to keep me motivated, instead deadlines are the day I actually get things done. I go back forth regarding this aspect of my personality. Sometimes I embrace it, but often I hate myself for it. Over time I have grown to understand that my procrastination is its own strange form of perfectionism. Sure, there are things I put off because I don’t want to do them. But there are a lot of things I love doing that I put off because I want to do them perfectly or not at all. Blogging fits into this category. I love getting my thoughts out as well as the positive feedback I receive from others. At the same time, I want each blog to be funnier than the last one, or more insightful, or more emotional . . . more honest, I don’t know – MORE SOMETHING!

It pains me to admit it, but many of my entries have been re-written and edited multiple times and read out-loud in a quiet room to make sure that have the perfect flow.

I’m not sure how to break this cycle, I suppose I could just improvise. But even with musical improvisation, I prefer to edit and tweak live moments for clarity and pacing. But this time I am going to take a risk, push beyond my comfort zone and publish this without re-writing and editing it. Just to get it out of the way. Well, I will read through it out loud at least once, just to make sure it is coherent. Then I can focus on writing a blog that doesn’t have to address why it has been so long since I blogged. And maybe I should try to call my friends, even though I don’t have a good reason for why it has been so long.

10 Months and Counting...

2011-10-01T17:16:00.002-05:00

We’ve been in Austin, TX now for exactly 11 weeks. And we already want to move back to Columbia, MO. I didn't think that I would say that, at least not this soon. In fact, the main reason I ranked UT-Austin as the number one site for my internship was because we believed that we would move here, settle, and stay. But, perhaps we needed to move here in order to realize where we really wanted to be.

First off, we moved here during the hottest time of the year--July. It was (and still is) also the longest drought Texas and Austin has had in nearly 30 years. Temperatures were up to 111 degrees. Jay would return from the storage facility (where about 1/3 of our stuff is right now) and I was worried he would have a heat stroke or a heart attack.

Once orientation for internship started, I walked to the bus station in my nice work clothes but soon realized that I had to find a different strategy in order to prevent my feeling absolutely disgusting by the time I arrived at work. I began wearing shorts and flip-flops while carrying my work clothes with me so I wouldn’t arrive to the counseling center drenched in sweat. I can still only recall it raining twice since we’ve been here and those were brief and spotty. The lack of rain has caused several people to lose their homes due to wildfires just north of Austin about 25 minutes away. In fact, just outside our apartment door, we have been able to see and smell the smoke.

Harlow has adjusted to her new Montessori school quite well and has new friends named Greer and Topher (don’t the three of them sound like TV sitcom characters living in an overpriced apartment in a bustling and hip city?). But the other day she and I were looking at pictures on Facebook and we came across her teachers from her Montessori in Columbia. Harlow said, “I want to go to my old school,” and “I miss my old school. I miss ‘Manda (Miss Amanda, the teacher).” That made me feel horribly guilty (more on guilt a little bit later).

The new Montessori is fine, but Jay and I still agree that it pales in comparison to where Harlow was at in Columbia. We have to take her to school fully fed with breakfast and she has to bring a sack lunch. At her old school, the kids would learn to take turns “serving” themselves at mealtime and it was a community activity. Harlow loved helping her teachers in the kitchen at her old school. This new school is also really focused more on academics than art and play; yes, the kids can name the continents at age 3, and that is impressive, but the art is not nearly as creative or sensory focused. At the Columbia Montessori School (CMS), the kids would have water play once a week where here they have it ONE TIME the whole summer (reminder: Texas is one of the hottest states in the country). The Columbia parents would often know each other and there were different committees and volunteer opportunities whereas here we don’t know any of the parents and they have made no effort to be welcoming. Here there are no classroom pets like “Pepper” the toddler room rabbit at CMS. I know, I know...the saying that “the grass is always greener,” has a lot of truth to it, but we really miss our CMS families, and obviously, so does Harlow. We keep telling her she’ll be back there in less than a year. Just about 9 months.

Over the summer, Harlow had a red patch on her leg that we had thought was ringworm (which we concluded she must have gotten from Zoe). A doc in our family suggested that we use over-the-counter medication, like Lotrimin, to treat it. That was in June. In September, the patch on her leg had grown and we were starting to see spots on other parts of her body. We knew that we had to get her looked at by a doctor.

Unfortunately, when we left Missouri Harlow was no longer eligible for Missouri Medicaid. And the insurance with UT for all three of us was going to cost nearly $400 a month! I had to get her signed up with Texas CHIP (Medicaid) since our monthly income is so low. But we had to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait for the paperwork to come through and the spots were getting worse. Finally, we decided to just find a pediatrician in town who would take CHIP once our paperwork came through and pay for the visit ourselves. It turns out, the whole time we thought it was ringworm that it was actually eczema! The doctor, who Jay found, was wonderful and prescribed some topical medication that has cleared it all up. However, we do still have to be sensitive with the soaps and lotions we use for her. She has sensitive skin, just like her daddy!

As you can see, Harlow really enjoyed the waiting room of the doctor's office!!

Finally, after 2 months of bureaucracy we have Harlow enrolled in CHIP. It never took that long in Missouri. In fact, did you know that maternity leave is not a required benefit for pregnant women in Texas (unless it is a private company that provides it for their employees)? UT, since it is a state school, does not provide maternity leave. If you get pregnant and want to keep your position, you have to use your vacation, comp time, and sick days for your leave. If you want to take more time and get some kind of income, you have to invest in short term disability AT LEAST 3 months BEFORE you get pregnant, so if the pregnancy was unplanned you are just out of luck.

The first month of work/internship was orientation and informational overload. UT is such a large system with 72 staff members (including practicum students and interns) so there is a lot to learn: how the electronic files for clients works, who is responsible for doing what, protocol for crises, balancing your caseload. I knew this would be a challenge for me and I also felt like it was the “jumpstart” I really needed for my professional identity as a psychologist.

I was incredibly tired the first month, falling asleep by 8:30 or 9:00 at night, pulling 11-hour days with my commute included. I think a lot of my fatigue also had to do with adjusting to a work schedule vs. school schedule. I was looking forward to not having the papers and homework when I went on internship. But, when I was in school, I was able to have more flexibility with working out, studying in the morning, picking Harlow up early from daycare, and so on. Now I have to struggle with even making a doctor’s appointment between my clinical hours and seminars.

Austin itself is a pretty great city and I am reminded of how many options I have when living in a big city again.

The food is FANtastic, especially all of the Tex-Mex restaurants and food trucks (http://austinfoodcarts.com/). I have begun to rely heavily on www.yelp.com, which provides pretty comprehensive reviews about places to eat or visit in Austin.

There are tons of festivals and things to do here in the city. We recently went to the Austin Hot Sauce Festival about a month ago, which would have been great if it hadn’t been 111 degrees and required standing in line out in the sun while waiting to eat hot sauce that burns going in and coming out.

We had tickets for the Austin City Limits Music Festival (www.aclfestival.com) but after thinking about the heat, the traffic, a sitter for Harlow, and battling the crowds, we decided to sell our tickets. I think that something that says we are truly getting “old," (but I admit it would have been fun to see Stevie Wonder, Cee Lo, and Empire of the Sun).

Barton Springs was another great family outing (www.ci.austin.tx.us/parks/bartonsprings.htm). Barton Springs is a man-made recreational swimming pool located on the grounds of Zilker Park.

The pool exists in the channel of Barton Creek and is filled by water from Main Barton Spring, the fourth largest spring in Texas. The pool is a popular venue for year-round swimming, and its temperature is about 71.6 °F (22.0 °C) in the summer which is still COLD even when it is 100 degrees outside. It was fun and we loved to people watch, but we all had a little trouble walking on the slippery algae, especially Harlow.

Jay's cousin, Sarah, and her daughter, Stella, and partner, Kate, moved to Austin in the past few weeks and that has been awesome--it's nice to have family here. Harlow and Stella recently had an afternoon together at the pool and they had a great time! It was so funny to see Harlow follow Stella around and want to act like a "big girl."

Adorable!

Let’s see…now for the things we don’t like about Austin:

The Traffic: It’s not as if I have never experienced traffic before—we lived in Los Angeles for 5 years—we’ve seen traffic! But, then we moved to Columbia where there is hardly any traffic. We were spoiled. Going across town took 15-20 minutes tops. “Rush hour” took an extra 10 minutes in the morning and evening and was always at certain intersections we knew to avoid. I think that I could handle the traffic here in Austin a little better if I had the freedom to drive to and from work. I like the bus because I save money and I can read or take a snooze (as long as there are seats; sometimes during the busy times it is standing room only) but I also don’t like the bus because I feel like I am only seeing the city through bus windows, which are hazy, literally and figuratively.

The Weather: I never thought I would say this, but I miss the beginning of fall! I know that in January or February when we visit up north I will be glad to live in Austin where it will be 75 degrees. But the other day, Jay said that he really wanted to have the memories of building a snowman and go sledding with our children. We won’t be able to do that here. I already miss being able to comfortably wear sweaters and jeans and smell the air as the leaves change and the temperature begins to drop. When we lived in CA it seemed like time almost stood still because things didn't change much when the seasons changed, but in the Midwest the seasons are so severe that they almost serve as a reminder of time and how our lives are also changing rather than being static or stifled.

Family Life: One thing I truly hate is getting up early in the morning and leaving for the day when Harlow hasn’t even woken up yet. I feel like the worst mom in the world (and there’s the guilt cropping up I mentioned earlier). On those days, the only time I get to spend with her is immediately after work (if I don’t come home to workout which is a way I have found to best relieve stress) and that is just for a few hours. And yes, there is a lot to do here in Austin in the evenings and on the weekends (restaurants, bars, clubs, festivals, etc.). And if I was 25 and single that would be perfect—but having a family makes me a bit more of a homebody who likes to just hang out with my family and my friends in our own mutual homey spaces. Jay was super excited about the live music scene here in Austin but it took him nearly 2 months before he went out to see a show because it's just not a priority for him anymore.

The cost of living: We are paying over $1,200 a month for a small 2-bedroom apartment. It’s hard to swallow when our mortgage for the houses we have OWNed in the past were less than $1,000 a month. The first home we owned in Columbia we had less than a $600 a month mortgage. Now we are paying double that for RENT.

Schools: I know it’s early, but Harlow will be in kindergarten in about 3 years. Knowing that she has already been so positively challenged in the Montessori schools, we want to make sure that she still flourishes in her education. If we live in the city of Austin proper, we would probably have to pay for private school, because the public schools just don’t have enough money for certain programs we want her to be a part of (i.e. music, art). On the other hand, we could live in the suburbs of Round Rock but that is so far from the actual "city" of Austin, we wouldn’t really be living IN Austin. Columbia has amazing schools in very affordable parts of the city.

Job Market: Jay, despite having his Masters in Counseling and his Law degree, has not had a lot of luck here in Austin finding work and that has been discouraging for him. In fact, it really put Jay into a major depression, which made it difficult for me to come home to. It seems like Austin is pretty saturated when it comes to therapists and lawyers. That being said, we have decided that maybe the best job for Jay right now is to be the stay-at-home parent for Harlow. He is a natural teacher and nurturer. Were Jay to get a job, for the 9-10 months that we anticipate staying here, I can see both of us struggling to get ready to go to work in the morning, rushing to get Harlow to daycare, being miserable by the time we all get home because of a long day at work, being hungry, frustrated that we can’t get in our daily exercise, and just not happy—Jay and I have been there before and it nearly cost us our marriage. Neither one of us is willing to go through that again, especially now that we have Harlow. She deserves both of us at our best.

Last week, Harlow and Jay spent about a week in Kansas City to visit his parents. They had so much fun...from Harlow's first professional haircut, a trip to the zoo, a trip to paradise park (http://www.paradise-park.com/), to playing dress-up with cousin Owen.

Getting ready for her first professional haircut! They gave her a couple of lollipops and let her watch Elmo, one of her favorites.

Very stylish!

At the zoo!! Beautiful weather!

Polar Bear exhibit!

Paradise Park...

Face Paint...

Spatial Relations...

Water Play!

Getting ready to make apple muffins with daddy!

Dress up with cousin Owen!

Do you like the red or the blonde?


Mardi Gras ya'll!

Jay's mom, Harlow’s Grandma Judy, was having a party to celebrate her 65^th birthday. I would have come along for part of the trip, but I am unable to take any vacation for the first 6 months of employment. Jay’s visit just confirmed for him that he really doesn’t want to live in Austin after this year. He misses his parents, his sister, and he wants to see Harlow grow up knowing all of them. Harlow misses them too...she always looks forward to her regular mail from Bubbe and Zaidee.

Jay and I have spent a lot of time talking, thinking, talking some more, thinking some more, and finally arriving at some conclusions. I appreciate how our relationship continues to evolve and deepen with every transition we have had in our lives. I feel a deeper connection to Jay more than I did 6 months ago, and we've been married for nearly 14 years!

Now that we are parents, lots of things have changed. We want so desperately to live in a place where we can maintain lifelong friendships, live comfortably without working 60 hours a week, spend an extra 10 hours at home rather than in traffic every week, send our kids to excellent and diverse public schools. The list goes on and on.

Again, I want to express that I am extremely thankful for the opportunity I have been given as an intern at UT. I am challenged everyday and I love, love, love the work I do and the people I work with.

But the transition has been difficult.

The first few months we lived here I harbored a lot of anger toward myself. I was mad at myself that I moved my family down here in the hopes of something “better.” I was frustrated with myself for not doing more research about Austin and not truly thinking through the consequences of moving down here. I felt guilty for taking Harlow away from a wonderful school, friends, and safe haven. I have been lonely and have missed the familiarity of "home" and the proximity of my family and friends. I finally let all of my anger and sadness out in a big cry the other night. I cannot remember the last time I truly cried like that and I think it was long overdue.

Right now, I recognize the reality of not being able to change certain things in my life (i.e. my job, my location, etc.) but I also recognize that I can change how I respond to the circumstances I am in. As Viktor Frankl stated, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." So, I am trying to remain positive and make the most out of this year and be mindful of my response so that I can grow and be "free." We are establishing healthy habits like regular exercise (we've both lost about 10 pounds!), eating dinner as a family, reading good books, lounging by the pool on the weekends, and taking advantage of the unique things Austin has to offer while we are here. And, hey, it's already October! Only 10 months left! Time flies, right?!

Barton Springs

2011-09-15T19:53:00.002-05:00

We went to Barton Springs a few weekends ago. The springs are naturally very cold which feels quite refreshing when it is 110 degrees outside. It was a bit too cold for Harlow and she slipped on the algae at the bottom a lot, but we still had a great time!

UT Tower Tour

2011-09-15T19:48:00.002-05:00

We took a tour of the UT Tower during my second week of internship. Quite a view!

Harlow loved watching the sun go down!

Dress Up Day at School!!!

2011-08-05T21:48:00.002-05:00

This was a fun day at Harlow's new school where the kids were supposed to dress up silly! Within 2 weeks at this new school, Harlow talks about the "spine" and the "front cover" of the book, and understands the terms "author" and "illustrator."

Harlow knows the days of the week and today she told us that it was "Friday." Every day she seems to be able to recognize more and more letters, "reads" books to us (tells us the story using the same words in the text), and uses more and more words in sentences. We are able to have actual conversations!

Harlow is almost potty trained which is surprising considering the huge transition we've had this past month. We have the potty part nailed down for the toilet, but the pooping is still taking some work.

Location:Austin, TX

UT Office

2011-08-05T21:44:00.002-05:00

This is my office at UT. So excited to have a space of my own! I am looking forward to making it my home away from home with some soft, warm lighting and things to hang on the wall. This first week of internship has been energizing, as well as exhausting. This is going to be a busy year, but I am really excited about it!

Transition

2011-07-31T00:55:00.001-05:00

We are finally moved down to Texas and into our place here in Austin! It has been a bit of an adjustment~going from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment. We haven’t shared walls with others for over 10 years. But, apartment living has it’s perks: we don’t have to do any lawn work, we have staff to take care of any insects or home improvements, there is an exercise facility, and 3 pools for Harlow to play in during the hot summer. The tenants in our complex are a bit older and more family oriented so it is pretty quiet around here after 9pm. I’ve actually really enjoyed simplifying our lives more and having more of what we “need” rather than more of what we “want” around us. Not to mention, the smaller space is so much easier to clean!

I start internship on Monday and I have a lot of mixed feelings. I am excited, scared, nervous. It will be a big, but welcome, change to have a normal schedule Monday-Friday from 8-5 and have my evenings and weekends free to spend with the family (and blog more!). I won’t miss the papers and projects that school demanded of me, but I will miss the flexibility and long vacations! I always worry about meeting new people, especially in work environments because everyone has different work personalities and there is such a huge learning curve (not easy for someone like me who wants to know how to do everything and do it well the first time around).

I’ll be taking the public bus to campus downtown because traffic is pretty bad going into the city and there is very little parking at UT (in fact, there is a 2 year waiting list just to get a parking pass for one of the camous garages; city parking garages cost up to $12 a day). But, the bus has free Wi-Fi and I see it as a good opportunity to ease into my day with coffee and a book rather than fighting cars every morning. We ended up selling our other car (our 2001 Hyundai, which I endearingly called the POS—piece of sh*t) and we are now a one-car family. When Jay starts working, we may need another car, but for right now, it looks like we will do just fine with one; again, “simplify” has been our mantra for this move. Less money for gas and fewer carbon imprints.

Harlow was able to start her new Montessori school this past Monday, which was a month earlier than we thought. I admit that, when we first visited, I had hesitations. But I think a lot of that was due to adjusting to change. After all, Harlow had attended the other Montessori school in Columbia since she was 5 months old. Many of the “friends” in her classroom she knew since she was an infant.

This Montessori seems to be much more achievement and curriculum oriented and more diverse (www.nwmontessori.net). There are more students of color in the classes and teaching staff, which is great. During our visit, the 2 year olds were singing songs about the continents and there were 5 years olds doing division. It was pretty impressive. Jay and I agreed that Harlow will get much more of her art and creativity at home, which is no surprise! After the 2^nd day of attending the school, Harlow woke up and said, “I want to go to school,” so we began to be much more comfortable with her being there. The teachers really seem to connect with her and she seems to get individualized attention as well.

Now that Harlow is nestling into school, Jay will have more time to look for employment. It has been hot here, but it seems a bit more bearable because it I think it is less humid than Missouri. The traffic really isn’t as bad as everyone described it (but, I drove in LA traffic for nearly 5 years so it just depends on your perspective). There are TONS of amazing places to eat and so much to do here, overall we are happy. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that there is a part of me that has “moving remorse,” but that is typical of most of our moves (wondering “what in the world did we just do?!?!?!”). Actually, this is the first big move Jay and I have made since our trek back to the Midwest from Los Angeles. There is a part of me that believes being in Columbia, where it is familiar and more affordable, would have been a better choice for me to do internship. There is a part of me that worries about fitting in at UT and making a good impression among new colleagues. There is a part of me that wants to be closer to other family and friends. I know that these feelings are probably temporary and they will change when I start working, meeting people, and enjoying the city, but I can’t deny that I miss “what was.” So, I believe part of me is mourning a bit of a loss and I am struggling with a new professional identity. Change and saying goodbyes have never been easy but I am trying to embrace the new things I have ahead of me here.

In the meantime, here are some new pictures of Harlow. I love the ones of her playing in the rain (something we need desperately down here in Texas!).

Opening birthday gifts from Nettie and Ye-Ye

Upset that there is only a box under the paper

Oh, OK, there are clothes in the box!

Singing and playing in the rain...

Harlow visits her cousin Owen

Reading together...

Practicing to be a big sister...

Weekends with mom and dad...

Playing music with blocks

One of my favorites...

Underneath the tent that daddy made in the living room...

Seriously??

Total bliss...

Dancin'

Harlow's First Crush...

2011-06-30T01:33:00.003-05:00

In late May, we had one of our friends and colleagues come and visit from Iowa.

Just to give you some context: Normally, Harlow is very exuberant and extroverted around people she knows, but those she doesn't know too well or those she first meets, she will be incredibly shy and quiet. Often times she will not talk at all.

So, we invited our friend, Joe, over for dinner and he arrived while Jay was at the store picking up some last minute things for dinner. During that brief 15-20 minutes, Joe and Harlow got acquainted with each other while I fixed salad and set the table.

As soon as Jay got home, Harlow led him to the living room to tell him that he needed to "meet Joe!" It was the first time she seemed to be so excited about actually introducing someone to us.

The night went on and we gave Harlow a bath and put her to bed as usual. But the next morning, as Jay got up with her, the first thing Harlow said was "Want to see Joe!" That made us both laugh.

Then later that day, I showed her some pictures of Joe from Facebook and she looked at them and smiled and sang a song about "Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe."

Cut to...

2 weeks later....

We go to the lake condo and Harlow finds a toy that looks like a little phone. We asked her who she was calling and she says"...Joe?...Joe! How you doing Joe?"

She often still "calls" him on her "phone," and blushes. Adorable.

Zoe

2011-06-10T01:07:00.001-05:00

Jay wrote this story about Zoe. We plan on creating a little book with pictures of Zoe so we can read it to Harlow so she will never forget her.

Zoe

Once there was a girl.

She loved to be silly,

but sometimes also serious.

This girl met a boy.

Sometimes he was silly,

and sometimes way too serious.

Their lives were better when done together.

They called this LOVE.

As they grew, their love grew.

And grew,

and grew.

Until their love was bigger than them both.

One day,

while they were laughing together,

they realized they should share this love.

They looked around for someone to share

this love with

And they saw Zoe.

Like them,

Zoe was both silly,

And serious.

So the girl and boy

filled her up with their love.

And Zoe gave even more back.

Zoe taught the girl and boy.

She taught them patience

And tenderness.

She taught them how to nuzzle.

And reminded them that there was pleasure

in simple things.

And they called this LOVE.

Zoe spent many years with the girl and boy,

And lived in many places.

After a while,

Zoe decided

That she was ready for the next adventure.

But Zoe worried

about the boy and girl,

Worried that they would feel lonely.

But the LOVE continued to grow

It because too big to hold.

And the LOVE became a baby.

Zoe was not sure

what she should think about this change.

But she saw how much

the girl and the boy

loved the baby.

And the LOVE grew

and Zoe knew

that she could go for the next adventure.

But she stayed around a little while longer.

To make sure that the girl and boy were

Patient and tender

That they would nuzzle.

And take pleasure in simple things.

And when she saw that the LOVE

would continue to Grow,

And grow

Zoe took her share of LOVE,

And carried it

to the next adventure.

And the baby learned

to be silly,

And serious,

And they called this LOVE.

Loss

2011-06-10T01:06:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a while for several reasons, but I have been putting off this particular post because I couldn't write about it for a while. Two weeks ago (May 25th), we lost a member of our family: Zoe. For those of you who don't know, Zoe was our first "baby."

After being married for almost three years, in the Spring of 2001, we were living in a small bedroom apartment near the Hollywood Hills. Despite the small space, we still felt like something was missing~we had both grown up with dogs as pets and so we decided that we wanted to adopt a dog.

We didn't jump into this lightly. We spent many weekends frequenting pet stores who had adoption fairs and different animal shelters around town. Finally, on a whim one weekend, after taking a suggestion from a woman we met at the local PetCo, we decided to visit the shelter out in Pasadena. And that was when we found her.

All of the other dogs were barking and trying to get our attention all while Zoe (that was what we named her) sat quietly in front of the cage just waiting and looking up at us. I believe that this was truly love at first site. As soon as we both saw her, we knew she was the one we had been looking for.

Zoe had been caught as a stray, was a mere 3 months old, and had yet to be claimed by her owner. No one knew for sure what kind of dog Zoe was, although her papers said Staffordshire Mix (we think it was really pitt bull and boxer). Everyone always mistook Zoe for a pitt bull and would fear her when they first met her. Little did they know, Zoe never hurt anyone her entire life (though she did play a little rough with a rabbit in our backyard one time).

Back to Pasadena. It seems that another couple had their eye on Zoe too. So, we were second on the waiting list for a chance to take Zoe home. We had to wait several days before Zoe officially came up for adoption~we would call the shelter everyday to see if anyone had claimed her, but she was still there. A big part of me was glad. I knew we could give her a good home. Finally, the day Zoe could be adopted, Jay stood outside of the doors of the Pasadena Human Society before they even opened at 7:00am so he could beat the other couple that was on the waiting list before us.

Jay called me an hour later, while I was at work, to tell me I was a "mommy." Zoe had to stay at the shelter for a few days because she had to be spayed before we could take her home. Right after her surgery, we picked her up from the veterinarian and took her home. I was "sick" from work for the day so I could stay home and just take care of her.

I didn't know potty training a puppy would be so hard and at first she didn't like being in her "crate" (or what we also called her "house") and would cry at night. But Zoe quickly picked up what going "doodoo" meant and she soon learned that ringing the bell on our door handle meant she needed to go out ASAP! She also proved herself when she was able to stay out of her crate while we went out. There was never any chewing on shoes or messes to clean up.

Zoe absolutely loved going to the Hollywood Dog Park every weekend and taking long walks with Jay down Beachwood Avenue. Her favorite things were yo-yos and tug-toys. We did our best to be consistent and firm with her (since she would grow up to be such a strong and large dog). Over time, we also taught her how to cuddle and put up with our constant need to curl up beside her on the floor while she was taking a nap.

Unfortunately, the first year we had Zoe brought challenges. First, the vet found a tumor on Zoe's neck. She had a biopsy and it turned out to be benign. A few months later, Zoe had surgery on her eyes (entropion surgery) because her eyelashes would rub onto her eye causing constant irritation. It was at this point when Jay and I decided that it might be a good idea to invest in some pet insurance for Zoe. It seems like her breed was also prone to other health issues...over the years, Zoe had 3 TPLO surgeries costing nearly $10,000.

In 2005, Zoe's cruciate ligament tore and made it near impossible for her to be able to walk on her leg. She had her first surgery here at the University Veterinarian Hospital. After the surgery, she got an infection in her leg and had to have the surgery all over again a few weeks later. She then had a recovery that took over 2 months. We would have to take her out to the bathroom holding her leg in a towel like a sling so she wouldn't put any pressure on it. I would lay in bed with her the first few nights because she would wimper and sometimes wake with a fever. Zoe couldn't understand why this was happening to her, but she trusted us.

In 2007, 2 years later, Zoe's other cruciate ligament tore and she had to have the same surgery, this time in Kansas City. Thankfully, I had just quit my job and was making the transition to go into my PhD program so I was able to help with her recovery. The pet insurance had run out and we were on our own for this surgery.

In 2008, right before I became pregnant with Harlow, I returned home from a float trip to find Jay almost in tears. The morning before, he had woken to find Zoe incredibly dizzy, as if she had vertigo or was drunk. She was unable to walk straight, running into walls, and Jay had to carry her up and down the stairs so she could go to the bathroom. The vet said that it could have been something viral, a possible brain tumor, who knows? We tried different medicines, and after a few months, Zoe seemed to be better. But she was never 100% after that.

I remember waking up on April 23rd, 2009, the day before I was due to have Harlow (and had Harlow) and noticing that Zoe had a bump on her snout, similar to the bump she had that previous summer when she was dizzy and sick. We took her to the vet that day and, again, there was no clear cut diagnosis for what was happening. And so this was the beginning of the end of our time together...

Zoe had traveled with us over the years, starting in Los Angeles, moving to Kansas City in 2002, moving to Columbia in 2003, back to Kansas City in 2006, back to Columbia in 2007. And another move within Columbia in 2010. We just knew she wasn't going to make it through our move to Austin this year.

This past year, Zoe has continually gotten worse, although I believe Jay and I were in denial for quite a while about it all. Once we sold and moved out of our house last summer and moved into our current rental, Zoe has not been able to control her bowel movements. We could take her outside to "go" and she wouldn't "go," but as soon as we got in the house she would stare at you and "go" right in front of you. Often times, we would wake up in the morning to find that she defecated in her own bed. This is very rare for dogs, as they usually never want to mess their personal areas like crates and beds. Often times, I would find her laying in the same place for 6 hours straight, not even stirring when we came home.

We took her back to the vet to see is there was something we could do. She took a medication to try and tighten up her bowels, she took a medication for what they thought was ring worm (but ended up being bedsores from her lack of activity), and another medication for inflammation and pain. After little improvement, the veterinarian said that her liver seemed to be working too hard and there was a possible neurological problem as well. There was little we could do.

After months of this, we knew we had to talk about some difficult decisions. And for months, we went back and forth about what to do. We finally decided that Zoe was in more pain and sadness than she was healthy and happy. And a few weeks ago, we set a date for her final appointment. That last week, we showered her with affection, treats, soft dog food, leftovers, and long walks.

That last day, we took her to the vet, Dr. Michael Meyers, who has cared for Zoe for a few years now and he was amazing in helping us through such a difficult experience http://www.hortonanimalhospital.com/northeast.php
I wish that doctors who see people would have just a handful of his bedside manner.

I want to keep the course of events and feelings that happened during those last few moments for myself and Jay. I will say that Zoe died with dignity, courage, and knowing that she was intensely loved.

We had Zoe cremated (without any other animals) and have kept the ashes. I plan on buying a small pendant that I can fill with ashes so I can always have her close to me. We will spread the rest of her ashes, but we have not yet decided where that will be.

On Zoe's last day with us, Jay took Harlow to school and told her that Zoe was going away and that she would not see her again. Harlow said, "Zoe go bye-bye." Harlow didn't ask about Zoe or say anything about her which surprised me because one of the first things she would usually say in the morning was "Good morning Zoe!" Finally after a few days, I asked Harlow if she missed Zoe and she said "Zoe go bye-bye," and I say, "Yes. Yes, she did. And we miss her and love her."

I had thought that I had prepared myself for the grief. But, I admit it was really, really, really hard the first few days. And there are still constant reminders. Every time the mailman comes by and there is no barking, every time we hear a doorbell on television and there is no barking, every time I find a dog bone under the couch, every time I hear movement coming up the stairs and realize it can't possibly be her, every time I go into a room and expect to see her in my peripheral vision. The waves of just absolute sadness became overwhelming for the first week. I also felt incredible guilt--as if I disappointed her, as if I deceived her when I told her we were going to the doctor that day and she got so excited. I realize now that, even though it was a hard decision, it was the right one. And it is only now where I am starting to be able to relive the joy she gave us during her life.

Zoe taught us many of the things we needed to learn before we became true parents for Harlow: patience, setting limits, unconditional love, discipline, secure attachment, protection, selflessness. I am so glad that Zoe got to meet Harlow and that Harlow got to meet Zoe.

I will always miss her and love her.

Harlowisms

2011-05-15T15:30:00.005-05:00

I'm trying to become more consistent in writing so forgive me if there are some short and sweet posts, but I feel like this is such a great way to document day to day things that are going on. So, with that being said...here are some more Harlow phrases or sayings that are just so fun!

“I want tickles on my back. More tickles." (just like mommy)
"Shoo-shee" (sushi)
"Smoomie" (smoothie)
"I build a castle. It’s just right! It’s perfect!”

“There you go!”

“Let’s do it! I’m excited!”

"Cheers!" (clinking our paper cups filled with water when brushing our teeth at night)

“Is that your computer mommy? I want to see it!”

“I want to see Bubbe on the computer.” (using Skype)

“I closed it!”

“I want to go upstairs and see mommy!”

“I want to do it!" (hearing this a lot lately)

“1, 2, 3, 4…” singing Feist

“No More Monkeys Jumping of the Bed!” (loves singing this)

"Ring around the Rosey" (loves to sing this song too)

“I want to go outside and do bubbles.”

“ I don’t want to!”

“Oh my goodness!”

“Oh my gosh! “

“I want a granola bar.” “How bout different granola bar?” (testing us once again after we say that she cannot have a granola bar)

“How bout this?” (I realize that I say 'how about...?" all the time!)

“Daddy get out! Mommy sit down. We read books.” (nighttime decision making)

She even does a happy food dance just like her mommy does when she eats something yummy.

Harlow is also trying to manipulate mommy and daddy. If daddy says "no" to something, she tries to be coy and then ask mommy for the same thing.

There has been more asking "why?" or "what does this do?" So rather than just asking for what she wants or needs, there seems to be a higher level of wanting to understand things. This is new.

#2

2011-05-11T05:11:00.073-05:00

Recently, I heard and celebrated the news that my cousin's wife is expecting their second child. Their first child is a boy and he is just a bit younger in age than Harlow. Their second child, due in October, will be a girl. How exciting!

I was absolutely thrilled to hear this news for my cousin and his wife.

Thrilled!

But, I admit that I was also a teensy bit jealous.

Jay and I would love more than anything to have another child right about now. But the timing makes for some challenges. It is a transitory and financially challenging time for us that makes it difficult to plan for having another child.

I admit that I want to be able to financially provide for our family. I want to make sure that my children have access to opportunities and good education. And right now, as graduate students, our finances are nearly tapped by the end of the month. And it won't be much different in the next year with internship. BUT, I know that part of this is just silly talk and worry. I have seen single women with six children in domestic violence shelters that are very resilient and very happy and make things work with what they have.

But, I also worry that Jay and I might not even be able to physically have another child. My mother hit early menopause at the age of 40 and and I am close to 36 so I feel like I have a short window of time where I could actually become pregnant. I know that early menopause may or may not happen to me too, but there are no guarantees.

I think that it all comes down to this: I remember when I started feeling the urge to start a family and, low and behold, I ended up pregnant and having Harlow. I am starting to have that urge again where I feel ready, at least biologically, to have another child. And it is a STRONG urge to where I am seeing newborn babies and there is some kind of chemical reaction going on that I cannot explain. I have also continually seen Harlow with other babies in the past few months that has me convinced that she would be an amazing big sister. All the "signs" are pointing toward expanding our family, but with any changes (and there are a LOT of changes happening in the next few months), it creates a recipe for anxiety and excitement.

What's Up Doc?

2011-05-11T04:03:00.002-05:00

On April 22nd, 2011 I successfully defended my dissertation.

Writing those words, even though it is now almost three weeks later, I can barely believe it.

Looking back...

I remember, that a few months after I gave birth to Harlow that I didn't think I could go on with school. I didn't tell many people this because I was so ashamed and disappointed with myself. I thought surely others would feel the same way about me as I felt about myself.

I felt defeated and I could only see the barriers ahead of me (i.e portfolio, internship). Looking back, I think that I may have experienced some delayed postpartum depression. It was very difficult to find my "place" since I was trying to integrate the identities of motherhood-partner-student. There were no other mothers in my program at that time, and unfortunately, I often felt very alone. I found that other mothers were either "all in" with staying home with their children or were really invested in their career and "all out" and disconnected with their children. I strongly felt like I was between the two.

But, here I am. Almost to the finish line. I sometimes still have to "pinch" myself to realize I am at this point. I made it.

I had to step out of the "decision room" while my committee talked about my defense. I then walked into the room, my advisor put out his hand, and said, "Congratulations. We can't quite call you doctor yet, since you have to complete internship, but you did an excellent job."

Such sweet words to my ears.

Actually, the defense for my dissertation went pretty smoothly. It was more like a "conversation" about things that could have been done differently or things I could do in the future~all very excellent suggestions.

There are some edits that I need to do and I need to format the digital file for the graduate school. BUT overall, my committee was impressed with my work and many felt like I should try and publish the study as well as continue to try and do more studies in the same area with different populations or additional measures. I was very lucky to have a committee that was so supportive. My research was in an area that was not a primary focus of other faculty in the program; this made it challenging, since I felt like I was working from the ground up, but it was also exciting since it was new and somewhat "groundbreaking."

My main focus for this research was to emphasize how religious and spiritual issues are areas of diversity and multicultural awareness that we, as practitioners and researchers, must try harder to recognize. If I were to continue to do research and publish, I would strongly want to do more work in this area because it is SO interesting and there is such little research out there in our field.

Although I have always felt so compelled to continue my work as a practitioner, the dissertation experience has helped me appreciate the value and time that goes into research. I would love to do more, but I don't want to be in a demanding position to "publish or perish" to make tenure which might sacrifice my time with my family. Instead, I would rather just do it because I am curious about the results and hopefully share them because they are so interesting!

Overall, I am just trying to relish and relax with this whole experience. I want to embrace this down time that I have not had in 4 years. And I am still pinching myself.

Jay was so awesome~I had mentioned how much I loved his sister's camera a week earlier and he surprised me with giving me one of my own. It is REALLY nice and is my Dissertation Defense gift/Mother's Day Gift/Wedding Anniversary Gift. I ordinarily hate those combination gifts, but it was appropriate given the cost of this one. I would much rather have a camera for memories over diamonds any day!!

Here are picture of the event (with my old camera):

Zoo!

2011-05-11T02:58:00.005-05:00

We went to the St. Louis Zoo about a week ago with Harlow's Aunt Katie, Uncle Ryan, and cousin Owen. We went a year ago, but Harlow didn't really have a vocabulary for all of the animals. Now Harlow was able to see all of the animals, name them, and enjoy interacting with them.

Here is Harlow's cousin, Owen.

Just feet away from the giraffes...

Harlow loves watching the monkeys!

And the fish...

Harlow's 2nd Birthday

2011-05-11T02:18:00.003-05:00

Hard to believe my little girl is 2 years old. Everyday, I look at her and see how much she has changed since the day before. Just after her 2nd birthday, Harlow transitioned to the Pre-Primary room at her Montessori school. We thought that she would have a difficult time since it was hard for her to go from Infants to Toddlers, but within one day, she was ready to stay with the big kids and call herself a "prep" (pre-primary) rather than a "todd" (toddler).

It is really amazing how much her vocabulary has been exploding the past few weeks. Harlow is the youngest in her new classroom so I think she has been learning a lot from the older kids. We are at the point now where we can actually have a conversation! Here are a few of the latest snippets that have made us giggle:

"What's that noise?"
"Where is it?" or "Where's Daddy? He take shower?"
"I choose work" or "I do art work" (when asked what she did at school for the day)
"My body! Walk away!"
"Zoe, get in your bed!"
"Bless you" (when I sneeze)
"Mommy's foffee (coffee)" while playing with her play kitchen
"What's inside? Want to open presents!"
"Daddy has tattoo. Mommy has tattoo. I don't have tattoo."
"Daddy has beard. I don't have beard. I sorry." (that made Jay laugh)
"I go see doctor. I sick."
"I want my vitamin. One a day!" (she learned that last part after she kept getting upset when I wouldn't give her more)
"I need to go potty/poop" (more on that later)
"Hold you" (meaning she wants you to hold her)
"I want to see it" (every time we do video of her or take pictures)
"I take a bath and I go night-night." (thank goodness that has been going well)
"I need to brush my teeth."
"It's Friday. We go to zoo tomorrow." (we are working on learning the days of the week)
"Be patient. Have to wait."
"I want music. More music." (Jay loves that one)
"This is Feist. Not Bjork." or "This is Bjork not Feist." (seriously she can tell the difference when she hears these two women vocalist/musicians---She LOVES Feist.

Harlow celebrated her 2nd birthday a week early in Kansas City. Bubbe (Mom Hastings) wanted to throw her a little party before she and Zaiyde left for a long visit to Israel a week later. We traveled to Kansas City where we were joined by Harlow's cousin, Owen, and Aunt Katie from St. Louis.

The theme for her little party was Ni Hao Kai-lan, one of the few television shows she is allowed to watch. Bubbe found a woman to do the most amazing cake and planned a wonderful lunch for family to attend before Harlow opened up presents. I think this was the first celebration where she was finally starting to understand what opening presents was all about. Thank you so much for those of you who thought of Harlow on her special day!

Now that Harlow is 2, she is growing more and more independent, which is bittersweet. I am so glad that she is learning so fast and being able to do more things on her own, but I sometimes miss her needing me for certain things. Harlow seems like she is almost ready to be completely potty trained. We might very well be on our last few boxes of diapers~she seems to realize when she has the urge to go to the bathroom, but might not always make it. Her Pre-Primary teachers say that she "loves" to go potty. We never really did much to train her, but just talked about it with her, read her some books about it, and had a potty available for her when she first showed interest (about 6 months ago). We will probably make the transition to pull-ups soon.

Harlow has been practicing riding her tricycle and can almost do it on her own. She is really into her pretend and imagination play with her babies and play kitchen. Her babies are named Owen (like her cousin) and Sasha and she feeds them, gives them "medicine," puts them in her mini stroller, and puts them "night-night." For her birthday, Bubbe Hastings passed on Harlow's Aunt Katie's old baby clothes she used as a child. She really loves to make "food" for mommy and daddy and makes everything from hot soup to cakes. Harlow really loves to have books read to her and she loves to read in her orange chair in the living room while mommy and daddy read their own books. "The Cat in the Hat," "Where the Wild Things Are," and "The Giving Tree" are some of her favorites. We have also been trying to be more vigilant about "picking up work (toys)," before we go to bed at night.

Here are some pictures from her birthday party, Easter, and having fun on the weekends:

Good morning! Birthday breakfast!

Table set for the birthday celebration!

Hanging out with cousin Owen...

Harlow sings and tells us what she thinks!

Lunch and Cake!

Starting to open gifts!

New summer hats from mommy and daddy!

Awesome shirt, cupcake outfit, and coloring book from Karina!

Aunt Katie's old baby clothes she used to play with are passed down to Harlow!

Birthday celebration at school!!

Setting the table for friends...

Blowing out the candles with best friend Blair!

Yum!

Trying to feed mommy...

Reading on a Sunday morning...

Weekend Fun...

Chasing balloons!!

First time coloring eggs for Easter...

Spring Break in Florida

2011-05-10T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe that we have gone this long without writing and I am so embarrassed about it. Let's just say that life has been incredibly crazy the past few months. I can't wait for the day where life isn't crazy anymore...hopefully it is coming soon.

After we found out about my internship placement, we had Spring Break, Harlow's 2nd birthday celebration, finishing up classes and clinical work, Harlow's transition to a new classroom, and my dissertation defense. If you aren't on Facebook, you are definitely missing out on all of my crazy status updates and mobile photo uploads. I would recommend becoming a FB member (even my mom and dad joined this past year!); it is such a great way to keep in touch with friends and family. However, it won't ever replace this blog, which we plan on having printed and bound as a gift for Harlow, because only here is where we have journalling.

After the internship news, a few weeks later we went on our first family vacation down to Florida to visit Nonna and Poppa (Harlow's great grandparents). It was Harlow's first time on an airplane! The first flight to Orlando she was fine, but by the last (and much shorter) flight to Ft. Meyers, she wanted to get off the plane and kept saying "all done." Obviously there is nothing we could do and we could not walk around because we were descending. I ended up regretting all of those years I cursed under my breath at kids on planes. I felt so bad for the passengers behind us But then again, if you have ever had children you become so much more empathic for parents.

My grandparents live in this wonderful retirement community with a pool that Harlow loved to swim in. She had her floaties, but still didn't feel comfortable letting go of mommy or daddy. It was also Harlow's first time visiting the beach and ocean (Gulf of Mexico)! As soon as we walked up to the shore, Harlow said "walk away water!!" and "too big," or "too much!" But after a few hours, she was running up and down the shoreline and having a great time.

It was a wonderful visit, but I think it may have been a day or two too long. The night before we left, you could tell Harlow was getting grumpy and cranky being out of her routine and not sleeping in a crib (she slept in the king size bed with us~she barely fits the Pac-And-Play anymore and it would have been considered a check on bag which would have cost more money). I think she missed being a school everyday too. Despite Harlow's love for novelty and excitement for adventure, which she gets from her daddy, she definitely is like her mommy when it comes to wanting some order and routine.

On the way back to Missouri, our flights were delayed by nearly three hours due to tornadoes in Orlando. We had to stay on a plane along the tarmac for an hour as well. But, Harlow was a trooper and once we got in the sky, she looked out the window and kept saying "don't fall plane." There was some major turbulence that really scared me, since we were still flying through rain storms. We finally got into Kansas City around 1am and Jay was determined to sleep in his own bed, so, after stopping for some coffee, he pushed through and drove the two hours to Columbia.

Here are some pictures of the trip:

We had to ride bicycles to get to the pool.

Jay took the much coveted trike to transport Harlow.

Snack Time! I think Harlow enjoyed the snacks more than the pool.

Harlow loves helping us cook! Here she helps Nettie make a fruit salad for dinner.

Morning reading time with Nettie and Nonna.

Morning breakfast in the "Florida Room" (i.e. screened porch).

Getting ready to take a walk with Nettie. Doused in SPF 50+.

More pool time!

First time at the beach making sand castles!

Presents and Birthday Parties!

2011-03-03T00:30:00.001-06:00

Opening the Christmas presents from Nana Susan and Grandpa Larry...

A Pink Floyd Dog and Blanket!

Oooh! A pink boa! This will defy mommy and daddy's rule about encouraging specific and socialized gender roles...ha, ha, ha, ha

Dancing in my tutu just like mommy did when she was a little girl...

Spongebob Squarepants coloring book and stickers! Yay! Harlow calls him "boo-boo" because we have Spongebob Squarepants band-aids--she has actually never seen the show.

Ready to go camping in her Dora backpack and Mommy's boots...

Being old enough and big enough to enjoy the first big snow!

Mac's 2-year BD party at the Columbia Children's Museum--Harlow loved playing dress up!

Cat in the Hat! And making our own cupcakes!

Liberty's 2-year BD party at Cub Hub! And more cupcakes!!

The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...

2011-03-02T23:26:00.006-06:00

Deep in the heart of Texas! I just found out on Friday morning that I was matched for internship at the Counseling & Mental Health Center at the University of Texas-Austin! These long months of hard work and waiting have finally paid off. I woke up on Friday morning at 5:30am and kept refreshing my e-mail account to see if the notification message had come through and then, at 7:49am it came!

I rushed downstairs to wake Jay up so we could open the e-mail together. And then, as soon as I opened it, I exclaimed, "we are moving to Austin!" The training director called me a few hours later, on speaker phone, and the staff in the room just clapped, hooted, and expressed how excited they were to have me be a part of the team--talk about a warm welcome--(yeah, it totally made you feel like a bit of a rock star and I knew immediately this was exactly where I needed to be with a staff like this!). I was so surprised to even be considered for an interview at UT and to be selected as an intern was beyond my wildest dreams. To be completely candid, UT was my top choice for internship and it is a very competitive site so we could not be more thrilled; not to mention Austin is the "live music capital of the world" so Jay is pretty excited to have music in his life again. And since Austin is also the state capital, Jay might have luck getting employment with his law and counseling degrees doing mediation, especially for creative individuals.

So, for over three weeks I waited for these results. When I finally entered and certified my choices on February 5th, I had over 3 weeks to think about it all over again while I waited for the match to come. Often times, I woke up at night with anxiety and thinking that maybe I made a mistake with my choices or worried about who would choose me, or the possibility that I would be the first MU student who didn't match at all for internship. Maybe I should have chosen a site that was closer to family? How will we endure the move? How will we afford it? Will Jay be able to find a job? I always worry about the "practical" details, like money and time while Jay is the "dreamer" in our relationship who thinks more about the possibilities and reminds us to embrace the moments. We balance each other out that way.

I kept reminding myself of my visit to UT in January--I was so impressed. Not only is UT is a phenomenal site where I will learn so much with the training opportunities offered--it is such a progressive and awesome city (even though it is in Texas)! Jay said he never saw himself living in Texas, but Austin is most definitely nothing like Texas (many say it is a blue dot in a red state). There are parks everywhere, museums, farmer's markets, music festivals---this is the kind of place I want to be in at least for a year, and maybe if it all works out with forming good relationships and finding great jobs, I could see Austin as a place I could raise my family for years to come. As Jay said,
"it's just 1 year out of our lives," and if we love it great, if not, we move on--but I
have to mention that, after the last blizzard here in Missouri, we are looking forward to packing up the snow shoes and ice scrapers for a that 1 year if not more!

Many people don't believe that God works in direct and interventionist ways, but I have to say that everything with this match and move has worked out almost "too perfectly" to not consider the idea. Not only did I match at UT, but one of my close friends from my program also matched there (we'll have offices right next to each other! And I love his fiance too!!). Jay has some of his musician friends from LA who have or will be moving to Austin in the next few months. We already found a Montessori school that Harlow will probably be able to enroll in this September and it is 5 miles away from the UT campus. Now we just need to find a place to live...hoping for a nice rental home (unfortunately the cost of living in Austin is quite higher than here in Columbia and I won't be making TONS of money as an intern, despite popular belief).

I am working on the last parts of my dissertation and have set the date to defend on April 22nd. The results are interesting and 2 out of my 4 hypotheses were not supported by the data, but that is the way research goes. It will be nice to have it done before internship so that way, when we move to Austin, I can work internship during the week and have my evenings and weekends focused for family time and to explore Austin.

As for Harlow, at first I worried about the move, taking her out of the Montessori school, and being farther away from a lot of other family (although Mom & Dad Thompson live in Dallas, a mere 4 hours away, which will be great). But I think that it will be a positive change for us all in so many ways.

Harlow is really getting more and more involved in creative and imaginative play. She has her "babies" that she feeds, rocks, and puts to bed. It was difficult for her to learn how to share the baby when the Montessori school traded out "work" and added the babydoll to the mix, but she learned quickly. She makes "meals" for mommy and daddy with her play kitchen and still loves to help Jay and I do household things like cook, sweep, and dust.

She also plays with little characters and starts playing out stories with them (for example, putting them on top of the coffee table/ottoman and saying "don't fall" or "I catch you!"). We have also let her start watching a new television show called "Ni Hao Kai-Lan" which teaches children about emotion as well as words in Chinese. We can tell that she really understands what is happening because now when we read books like, "Cat in the Hat," she points to characters and says, "he's MAD! (using mad and gruff inflection)" or "she's worried (sounding concerned)" and "he's happy! (with bright excitement)."

Harlow is also now starting to talk in full sentences. It seems like it happened overnight where she strings things together like, "Help please," "I want cheese please mommy..." or "Want to see it, (always wants to see our computers or pictures we take on our phones)" and "No, walk away," (she says this a lot if she doesn't want to go to bed or do what mommy and daddy ask of her). She can count to 10 and can name most of her colors. She has been attending a few birthday parties on the weekends when her friends have turned the big 2 and it won't be long for her. I'll post some great pictures of her enjoying cupcakes at this get-togethers. Cupcakes are one of her new favorite food groups.

Harlow went potty on the big girl toilet two times just the other day at school and we are still working on it at home. She gets especially embarrassed about "poop" and hides her face or retreats to a corner when she is going #2. I think we need to get the book, "Everybody Poops." She loves to "jump" in her new tennis shoes and I can't wait for the weather to become consistently nice so we can go to the park again, take walks with Zoe, and relieve this cabin fever that has been going on for months.

I am so happy. Life is pretty wonderful right about now.

Beebies! Boo-Boos! Hot Tea! Hugs!

2011-01-18T00:32:00.001-06:00

Despite the craziness in our lives with school and internship coming up, we have still been able to maintain family time for evenings and weekends. The past month or so Harlow has started doing more imagination play, which is nice, because it gives Jay and I a little break every now and then from being her main entertainment. Harlow now really likes to "feed" her babies, makes up stories with her animals, and she is just constantly talking all of the time. Most of the time we are pretty good about understanding what she is saying, but sometimes she can get frustrated when it is so obvious that she (but not us) knows what she is saying!

I am really loving this toddler time, even though I really fear that we are entering the terrible two's...frequent waking up at night, not wanting to nap, a new love for the word "no" (and she can say it so lovingly), and being very obstinate. Yet, it is so neat to see Harlow forming sentences, expressing feelings, and becoming this whole person right before our eyes. Jay and I will be cooking dinner in the kitchen while she is playing with her "babies" (which includes bears, dogs, and whatever else) when she lets out these little shrieks of excitement and we just LAUGH! I don't think I ever laughed so much before I became a mom (as well as lost so much sleep~but so worth it!).

It's hard to believe, but we both see so much of ourselves in her. She is a risk taker and adrenaline junkie just like Jay (she loves being thrown up in the air and trying to run off in the grocery store) but she is also a little OCD with the cleaning and organizing just like me (she hates having food or play-dough on her hands).

Right now, Miss Harlow loves pickles, macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, hot tea (green and decaf of course), Dora the Explorer (I really debated on this whole TV thing, but I will say that she has picked up a lot of words, numbers, and problem solving and we limit it to just a little a day), putting on anyone's shoes, taking care of her babies, taking baths in the "big bath" (mommy and daddy's bathtub), cooking fake food, any kind of art work, stickers, and reading books.

Harlow gives me balance. So many people ask "how can you finish graduate school and be a mom...?" and I think, "how could I not finish graduate school and be a mom?" Harlow gives me the motivation, the courage, and the love, to be able to do it. Thank you my sweet potato.

Cabin Fever and Christmas Holidays

2011-01-18T00:11:00.000-06:00

Eating a chocolate and peanut butter dessert at Marlen & Jose's. Mmmmmm....Sugar High!

On the Merry-Go-Round!

Harlow did not want to get off! A temper tantrum ensued right after this precious moment.

Putting her babies "night-night."

Painting is one of the things we do on a lazy and cold Sunday morning...

Hanging out with Dane in the toy box

Playing "dress-up"

Painting wrapping paper for Christmas presents!

One of my favorites...

Taking off!

Making another run for it!

Making waffles with Bubbe Hastings on Christmas Eve morning

Jay and Ryan putting together the kitchen for Harlow on Christmas Eve night. Thanks guys!

The Unveiling of the stove and refrigerator

Walking with the babies...

Fake food for my kitchen!!

Getting the hang of opening gifts...

Dora stickers! Yay!

Looking pretty in the outfit Grandpa Thompson brought back from his trip to Cambodia

Another one of my favorites...

Christmas Dinner

The Hastings and Lindner Families

Harlow gives "love" to her cousin Owen

Internships

2011-01-17T23:09:00.001-06:00

Wow! The past few months have been crazy~wait, didn't I say that in my last full post? Probably. I finally got all of my internship interview invitations and then went through all of the interviews the past few weeks. Some last 30 minutes while others lasted the whole day~and they were all over the phone. It was an exhausting marathon~but, I definitely think that it prepared me to interview for jobs in the future and got Jay and I talking about what our lives might look like within a few months.

I have some top sites where I am really interested in going (e-mail me if you want to know~we're supposed to keep all the ranking information off of social networking sites, blogs, etc.) but I have a lot of things that are going into this big decision. I will say that I have been incredibly lucky, and feel much more validated in my decision to be a practitioner after facing some of the most challenging questions I have ever had in my professional career (i.e. "What are your "isms"?", "How do you see the place of authority in your life?" "If psychology didn't exist what do you think you'd be doing instead?" "What are areas of multicultural competency that you feel you need to work on?" "How do you interact with coworkers when you are stressed?" "What do you do for fun?").

In some ways, I am envious of my younger colleagues who do not have kids or partners and can easily see internship as an opportunity to pick up and start their lives in a new city or live in a fun place for a year. But for me, I can't just think about me.

On one hand, I think that some of the sites I would like to go to offer tremendous training opportunities which could advance my career in some ways (like Emory University, where many of the clients are from the school of theology~my specialty area~). Or they might just be great towns to live in and great people to work with (i.e. Colorado State which is in a relaxed and beautiful small town).

On the other hand, I feel like we have a really awesome life here in Columbia. We are close to family, Harlow loves the Montessori and flourishes there, Jay has a lot of contacts for job opportunities. If we leave will Jay stay at home with Harlow? Will he work? And there is that maternal voice inside that suggests trying to have another baby soon. I just feel incredibly conflicted. And then there is the fear.

I fear going somewhere completely new~having to make new friends, figuring out directions to the nearest grocery store, transferring and changing addresses for our health plans and Roth IRAs, not knowing what to expect~but maybe I am just being lazy. I used to thrive on that kind of energy, but as I have gotten older, and especially after becoming a parent, I am much more cautious and timid about "change." It's taken me a while to recognize this fear and I am glad that I am able to acknowledge it rather than pretend that I have everything figured out. Fear has been a constant theme in my life~fear of something new, fear of failure, fear of isolation or abandonment, fear of not being loved, fear of not being "good enough."

I am going to be doing some traveling next week to one of the sites I am really interested in to see if I like the center, the people, and the city (i.e. can my family be happy here???). Jay and I plan on having a good "sit-down" to look at cost of living, positives and negatives about each site, and so on so that it is not just an emotional decision for us. In addition, it's not completely up to me. A site has to like me enough to rank me as well. Even though I might have a #1, they may not make me their #1.

I have to put in my rankings by February 9th and then on February 25th we'll find out where we will be living in the next year. It's scary, exciting, and everything in between. We are praying that we will be in the right place.

Give me a Beat!

2010-12-14T19:15:00.002-06:00

Knock Knock Knock

2010-12-12T19:18:00.000-06:00

Painting!

2010-11-20T10:16:00.001-06:00

Getting excited for Christmas!

2010-11-14T16:45:00.002-06:00

Sitting at the big table!

2010-11-13T12:07:00.001-06:00

Sitting in her booster seat!